Will Shakespeare, Publisher Help Writer

At the beginning of the month I asked you in a poll what author you'd like to see next in my "Famous Authors Write Help" series. William Shakespeare was the winner with 42% of the vote, with Dorothy Parker and Ernest Hemingway each getting 17%.

So, here's my take on Will Shakespeare writing Help for catalog merge.

Act 1: Scene 3 - Dover Keep

Catesby to Bottomsburr

Soft, the King approaches full of wrath, seeking answers for his catalog's censurable state.

His Cousin, the Duke of Norfolk, stands impeached of his duty.

 The King

Norfolk, why is my catalog but an idle knack and not the admirable folio

You did pledge to deliver me this day?

 Norfolk

My Liege, the catalog is here delivered and all within it contains.

Wherefore doth thou abhor its content? Is it too full of foppish or worn phrase?

 The King

With certainty I did ween that more than scratchings of a fool would you deliver.

Your thrasonical pride did foreswear you in the publishing;

Where I did wish for it to soar like the goshawk from my gloved hand

Hath soared to catch the fat pigeon for my board,

Here you give me treacle served by a poxy malkin.

Speak now! Confess that you are a thriftless falconer

To return such a vile repast against my true but empty hope.

 Norfolk

Sire, I know not what to say or why my poor effort makes my kindly Liege

In such a fury. Speak more I pray that I might learn and so in confidence make right.

 The King

Good Catesby, bring hither the catalog.

 Catesby

Your Majesty.

 The King

Now look you here, see that there are no likenesses, no graven images of my Royal wares.

And the columns do yaw and gyre from page to page as some drunken knave upon the Southwark.

By my troth I swear you have made no use whatever of the Catalog Pages and Tools that sit in waiting,

But only some wimpled dolt, grateful for your penny, hath scratched on the blank

The words you did mark for the purpose and nothing more.

 Norfolk

Sire I did hire but the most ingenious monks of St. Albans to prepare upon the blank

That which you desired; put straight my instructions that they use their faculty

To fashion a most fit catalog upon the wares of your most Royal Majesty,

To make the gentry fancy and care not the cost. I see now my errors most grievous and plain.

 The King

Come, come, good Cousin, be not so downcast.

Yes, I do bark a good bite, but my jaw stays soft with my affection for you.

Let us start anew, open the publication and on the Insert tab click Catalog Pages.

 Norfolk

My Liege, I see it doth insert a page and holder for wherein to place your list of wares!

 The King

Just so learned Norfolk. And as well a fine new toolbar, that of Catalog Tools doth appear

Like fair Selene breaking through the clouds to light the dark way.

Now click us on Add List to use the list that I did send upon thy purpose.

Norfolk

And that gave I to the Chancellor of the Scriptorium.

 The King

Be that as it may, open the list in haste and wonder so...

And now you may select all that I requested...

Anon, choose rightly from the gallery of styles,

Forgetting not to select one that allows likeness of my wares.

 Norfolk

Oh, my good Liege, I am a very farcical Ajax as to lead apes in Hell.

But now I go to atone and return with quickness and fealty all as you wish.

 The King

Make it so my good Duke, make it just so before the coffers empty

And you shall have my love and attribution.

Make haste! Gold we must have ere the Scots our Marcher Lords do overrun.

Now Cousin, kiss my ring and make haste to your duty.

[Exeunt Norfolk]

Be sure to check out the other famous author parodies:

• Tom Clancy
• Raymond Chandler
• Gabriel Garcia Marquez

 And please do leave me comments on who you'd like to see write Help next month!

-- Bob deLaubenfels