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At the beginning of the month I asked you in a poll what author you'd like to see next in my "Famous Authors Write Help" series. William Shakespeare was the winner with 42% of the vote, with Dorothy Parker and Ernest Hemingway each getting 17%.
So, here's my take on Will Shakespeare writing Help for catalog merge.
Act 1: Scene 3 - Dover Keep
Catesby to Bottomsburr
Soft, the King approaches full of wrath, seeking answers for his catalog's censurable state.
His Cousin, the Duke of Norfolk, stands impeached of his duty.
Norfolk, why is my catalog but an idle knack and not the admirable folio
You did pledge to deliver me this day?
My Liege, the catalog is here delivered and all within it contains.
Wherefore doth thou abhor its content? Is it too full of foppish or worn phrase?
With certainty I did ween that more than scratchings of a fool would you deliver.
Your thrasonical pride did foreswear you in the publishing;
Where I did wish for it to soar like the goshawk from my gloved hand
Hath soared to catch the fat pigeon for my board,
Here you give me treacle served by a poxy malkin.
Speak now! Confess that you are a thriftless falconer
To return such a vile repast against my true but empty hope.
Sire, I know not what to say or why my poor effort makes my kindly Liege
In such a fury. Speak more I pray that I might learn and so in confidence make right.
Good Catesby, bring hither the catalog.
Now look you here, see that there are no likenesses, no graven images of my Royal wares.
And the columns do yaw and gyre from page to page as some drunken knave upon the Southwark.
By my troth I swear you have made no use whatever of the Catalog Pages and Tools that sit in waiting,
But only some wimpled dolt, grateful for your penny, hath scratched on the blank
The words you did mark for the purpose and nothing more.
Sire I did hire but the most ingenious monks of St. Albans to prepare upon the blank
That which you desired; put straight my instructions that they use their faculty
To fashion a most fit catalog upon the wares of your most Royal Majesty,
To make the gentry fancy and care not the cost. I see now my errors most grievous and plain.
Come, come, good Cousin, be not so downcast.
Yes, I do bark a good bite, but my jaw stays soft with my affection for you.
Let us start anew, open the publication and on the Insert tab click Catalog Pages.
My Liege, I see it doth insert a page and holder for wherein to place your list of wares!
Just so learned Norfolk. And as well a fine new toolbar, that of Catalog Tools doth appear
Like fair Selene breaking through the clouds to light the dark way.
Now click us on Add List to use the list that I did send upon thy purpose.
And that gave I to the Chancellor of the Scriptorium.
Be that as it may, open the list in haste and wonder so...
And now you may select all that I requested...
Anon, choose rightly from the gallery of styles,
Forgetting not to select one that allows likeness of my wares.
Oh, my good Liege, I am a very farcical Ajax as to lead apes in Hell.
But now I go to atone and return with quickness and fealty all as you wish.
Make it so my good Duke, make it just so before the coffers empty
And you shall have my love and attribution.
Make haste! Gold we must have ere the Scots our Marcher Lords do overrun.
Now Cousin, kiss my ring and make haste to your duty.
Be sure to check out the other famous author parodies:
And please do leave me comments on who you'd like to see write Help next month!
-- Bob deLaubenfels
Love this post!! I laughed out loud and learned something. Going to check out the other authors now.
Thanks Christina. So, what other authors or features of Publisher would you like to see featured?
ust so learned Norfolk. And as well a fine new toolbar, that of Catalog Tools doth appear